fuck

I am free.

For the first time in nine months.

I am free.

I waited nine long months.

And I am finally free.

I am going to enjoy myself tonight.

Fuck you, for making me depressed and self conscious. I am going to enjoy myself tonight. Fuck you.

seventy two hours.

Each day I feel more disconnected and I fear my head and my heart will never truly click again. Tonight I looked at the sky and spoke your name. And you know, I almost felt real again.

I am in desperate need of a reality check.
Or maybe some cuddling.

Simple dichotomy.

Sometimes I wish the world could be a simple dichotomy. I think that everything would be easier that way.

But it's not. If everything were one way or another; black or white, the world would be a much happier place. And I don't think that we deserve that. Not just yet.

Not until we realize what we're doing.

Euphoria

My mom always says life would be a lot easier if we could pick who we loved.

I always say life would be a lot easier if I could pick who you loved.

Maybe I wasnt clear when I said

That I love you, and I need you.

Maybe you just misunderstood.

Today I practiced telling you again, in front of the mirror. But then I remembered that I'm a coward.

And that a pane of glass will not decide the way you feel.

I noticed,

My posts have been utter crap as of late.

Maybe if I could stop having that fucking dream.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Set yourself on fire.

I remember when you embarassed me at Thanksgiving.

Tonight the stars whispered your name. Tonight the stars missed your face.

I cleared the room for just you, but you never came.

And now all I've got is a passageway you told me to kept secret, and a handful of false I Love You's. I'm through with this, I'm through with you. I'm through with fucking metaphors.
(But that's what I said last week.)

You could have at least told me what I wanted to hear.

Yours Truly,
Hillary.

Mind Over (You Don't) Matter.

"It is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all."

Regularly, I would say, 'What a fucking joke.' But then I recalled that jokes are usually funny. And that is not funny.

I am not afraid to say what I feel. I am not afraid to say I love you.

I am just afraid to say it to your face. I am afraid to say it straight up. I am afraid, so fucking afraid, because I know what the response will be.

"If only, if only, the woodpecker sighed, the bark on the tree were as soft as the sky's."

If only.

Park that car,

"Drop that phone,
sleep on the floor,
dream about me."

I had that dream again.

So many people say they're in love. So many people exploit love, prostitute love for something it has never been, something that it will never fucking be. Love is a hoax, so please move on & forget all the words that have been whispered in your ear. It's for dreamers and sinners and liars and losers.

But I know you, even if I don't know you. You'll keep selling your Hallmark cards, keep signing your Hallmark cards, but not so deep down, you know. You've always known.

One shot, two shots.

I'm not sure what the purpose of starting a blog right now was. Maybe just to further agitate myself.

I am exhausted, disappointed, and apathetic. I am a teenager.

I am awkward and uncomfortable and I am finally figuring out that the weight of the world, no, the weight of this house, is far too much for me to bear. And to be honest, I don't give a fuck.

Thank you for listening, nobody, and good-night.

And the truth is,

Things aren't going as well as I thought they were.

I keep having this dream, where I can see your face through a cloud of cigarette smoke. And my arms are reaching, reaching, reaching, and my hands are falling, falling, falling, too short every time. And each time I grasp, the air I come back with is farther from you; and if only my arms were long enough, if only I could push through this crowd, I could get to you. But you don't even see me.

And then in an instant, you're gone, and I'm left empty hearted and empty handed. And then I realize it was all a mirage. And you were never really there at all.

No Chance, No Way

The infrequency of my posts is beginning to depress me.

Only fifteen days until absolution.

oh, I only do it 'cos I care.

Twenty days. It seems like twenty seconds ago I was sitting here typing, "twenty eight days."

Time is going by so fucking fast. If only there were some way to slow things down. To breathe, for once, because I am thinking about breathing, not because it's an impulse.

I think I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

Thrift store heart

I know a girl who's got a thrift store heart.

It's been picked up and set back down a million times; it's put up and shut up and been left on a shelf.

It's underpriced and underloved and it's almost falling apart.

But there it sits, diligently, waiting for the right patron to take it home.

Never Enough

I am not enough to make up for:
1) Old loves
2) Missing pieces of your heart
3) Clinical sadness
4) Current loves
5) Et cetera.
6) All of the above

Sorry boys; move along, nothing to see here.

Four Letter Lie.

I've been meaning to post this on here for awhile, but I never got around to it. So here it is, I suppose.

I think that there is a point in everybody's life, where they stop chasing fantasies and come to realize that there is no such thing as true love. And that the one thing you've been waiting for; that perfect kiss, those three magical words, are not all they're cracked up to be, not all that you had hoped for. And sometimes, you just have to work with what you've got.

And so true love is shoved into a category with dragons and fairy tales and damsels in distress, never to see the light of day. But every once in awhile, you awake to find that you can almost feel it, you can almost taste it, or touch it, and before you have a chance to grab higher it is whisked out from under you.

It is all the same, every relationship is the same. You think you have true love, but it's just a cheap knock off, something you could get for a third of its' original trouble and value. What you have, girls and boys, is nothing, it's a sham of an emotion. Love gets you nowhere. Love will never save you. Love will never conquer all.

It's a slow, sad, realization, but eventually you will get over it. I'm sorry to be the one to tell you.

Be my Peter Parker.

Except don't fall in love with Gwen Stacy.

I don't want Gwen Stacy to get in the way.

I will be your Mary Jane Watson.

I almost forgot

twenty four days to



freedom.

With great power comes great responsibility.

I can't decide if indecision's a waste of time.

You've really always had me. Even when neither of us knew it; you had me, I was yours.

And I think that now, since we're up to our elbows in this, you will always have me. Even if neither of us know it.

Clarity is just a word, a conjunction of symbols that are supposed to mean something.

But honestly, it doesn't mean anything to me.

xo

Be Still My Heart

Wow.

What a great song.

I wish the whole world were like a great song.

That would be wonderful.

Bananafish.

Today is a perfect day for bananafish.

I have nothing more to say.

Tension speaks,

"But we're singin' it."

I had a crap day at school but things instantly became better when I returned home. I went to the library, picked up some Vonnegut and Salinger and I'm wearing new clothes and everything feels decent again.

Today I smelled summer, and now it's all I can think about.

The wind blew my hair into my eyes and it whispered "Twenty eight days, twenty eight days until you are free," and it made me smile.

So here's to you, sunshine.

Twenty eight days.

In With the Outro & Out With the Old.

"I know we'll be together in the morning."

Today, I had the most beautiful moment of my entire life.

My friends and I climbed a gigantic hill by our school, and we all stood at the top and held our breath. It was like something that bonded all of us, kept us all from moving until several seconds later. It wasn't so much beautiful as it was completely breathtaking. It literally took the breath from my lungs. Maybe it was seeing the building that made our lives hell seem so small, or maybe it was the way the wind blew or the sunshine in our eyes. But it was fantastic. It is one day I will never, ever forget.