fuck

Ladies and gentlemen, we have moved

And by "we," I mean "I"

www.crowdedrooms.blogspot.com

the fuck

I feel bad about not updating. Because, well, it is something that comforts me. I've been going totally fucking insane lately and I don't know why. Maybe it's because I haven't been expressing myself in any way. Apparently bottling things up is unhealthy.

All this nothingness is kicking my ass. The fact that recently my life has been completely devoid of anything new makes the old seem even worse. And, fuck, tomorrow is going to suck. I hate Sundays.

I guess more than anything I've been feeling manic. Like I'm a little hamster on those stupid wheels, running and running even though I have no idea why I'm doing it in the first place. And nothing ever changes. And I can't see anything ever changing. I feel like day in, day out, it's going to be the same. Nothing to look forward to but the weekends.

Sundays fuck me up. I hate them. I don't know why. I wish I could just sleep through Sundays. I really do.

And school is the most depressing experience ever. I'd do absolutely anything to get out of it. I really would.

And god, I hate everyone. I could stab the shit out of 95% of the people I know and not feel any remorse. Rather, relief.

That sounds awful. I don't know. I really don't. Hopefully this is a phase.

another quote

"Magic is everything that science hasn't made boring yet"

Hell, yeah

Happiness is..

Not having to work tomorrow.
Realizing something you love is being made into a movie.
Waking up with a Joker card stuck to your cheek.

I can't think of anything else.

play crack the sky

"and i wish for one more day
to give my love and repay debts
but the morning finds our bodies
washed up 30 miles west"

i don't sleep, i am exhausted
i do sleep, i am even more so

proof that our lord and savior jesus christ hates my guts

From time to time,

I lose sight of stuff that's important to me. And yes, I know, I demerit any sentence I pen (or type, but pen sounds better) by putting the word "stuff" in it, but I kind of like that. You know, deconstructing a perfectly good sentence with a word like "stuff." I have this friend, you know, and he says "and shit" after every mildly philosophical sentence he states. I find it both hilarious and endearing. I am not too worried about typing this here, because I don't think he reads my blogs anymore. It's good.

Anyway, the fact that Nick says "and shit" in the most fantastic way possible isn't the purpose of this blog. I don't think, at least. I mean, it could be. I never know the purpose of my blogs when I start typing them. I think I'm only writing this much because I feel bad for neglecting my blog so long, and because I'm so grateful that Max reminded me of blogger. It's a good thing. Once again, I think.

Things are .. well, different. For the longest time, I've been convincing myself that everything is just fine. Not good, not bad, just fine. And that's bullshit, and I'm just starting to realize that. I wouldn't say my thoughts are suicidal - just contemplative. I've been spending a bit of time with the "what if" monster. I mean, I think it's just one of those cry for help things. Right? I mean, I don't think I sincerely want to kick it.

Lately I've been thinking about Sarah Schiltz a lot. See, she used to cut herself. She might still do it, I don't know. But the thing is, she is pretty stupid. That sounds harsh and all, but you, the reader, don't know Sarah Schiltz, more than likely. I mean, she's just goddamn stupid, is all. (To clarify, she's not stupid because she does that. Well, er.. just, keep reading, okay? I'll clarify later)

So one time I was hanging out with her. She and I were talking and I noticed her arm was a little scratched up. Three vertical lines ran down her wrist. Perfect little furrows. I couldn't help but think of irrigation. Anyway, I asked her about it. I asked why she did it that way - vertically, I mean. In my experience, it's always horizontal, y'know? I mean, it's probably a pretty mundane detail of self-mutilation, but the point is, I asked.

She said, "I saw on the internet that it's supposed to be that way." And then it hit me - she'd seen this joke type thing that some asshole made. Exhibit A. Now just look at that. It's an instruction "manual" for suicide. And it just hit me that stupid people like Sarah take things like that seriously. I mean, she didn't realize it was a joke, and that some anonymous internet retard made an illustration as a joke, and Sarah Schiltz took it seriously.

My first thought was, "What if she had killed herself?" This resulted in a mental victory dance, followed by a reprimand from the theoretical angel on my shoulder.
My next thought was, "What if there are more stupid people like Sarah? What if this is the culling song of America? What if I mass-produced this image?" Once again, a lecture from the little angel.

But all I could think about was, you know.. why do I hang out such idiots?

I still wonder the same thing.