From time to time,

I lose sight of stuff that's important to me. And yes, I know, I demerit any sentence I pen (or type, but pen sounds better) by putting the word "stuff" in it, but I kind of like that. You know, deconstructing a perfectly good sentence with a word like "stuff." I have this friend, you know, and he says "and shit" after every mildly philosophical sentence he states. I find it both hilarious and endearing. I am not too worried about typing this here, because I don't think he reads my blogs anymore. It's good.

Anyway, the fact that Nick says "and shit" in the most fantastic way possible isn't the purpose of this blog. I don't think, at least. I mean, it could be. I never know the purpose of my blogs when I start typing them. I think I'm only writing this much because I feel bad for neglecting my blog so long, and because I'm so grateful that Max reminded me of blogger. It's a good thing. Once again, I think.

Things are .. well, different. For the longest time, I've been convincing myself that everything is just fine. Not good, not bad, just fine. And that's bullshit, and I'm just starting to realize that. I wouldn't say my thoughts are suicidal - just contemplative. I've been spending a bit of time with the "what if" monster. I mean, I think it's just one of those cry for help things. Right? I mean, I don't think I sincerely want to kick it.

Lately I've been thinking about Sarah Schiltz a lot. See, she used to cut herself. She might still do it, I don't know. But the thing is, she is pretty stupid. That sounds harsh and all, but you, the reader, don't know Sarah Schiltz, more than likely. I mean, she's just goddamn stupid, is all. (To clarify, she's not stupid because she does that. Well, er.. just, keep reading, okay? I'll clarify later)

So one time I was hanging out with her. She and I were talking and I noticed her arm was a little scratched up. Three vertical lines ran down her wrist. Perfect little furrows. I couldn't help but think of irrigation. Anyway, I asked her about it. I asked why she did it that way - vertically, I mean. In my experience, it's always horizontal, y'know? I mean, it's probably a pretty mundane detail of self-mutilation, but the point is, I asked.

She said, "I saw on the internet that it's supposed to be that way." And then it hit me - she'd seen this joke type thing that some asshole made. Exhibit A. Now just look at that. It's an instruction "manual" for suicide. And it just hit me that stupid people like Sarah take things like that seriously. I mean, she didn't realize it was a joke, and that some anonymous internet retard made an illustration as a joke, and Sarah Schiltz took it seriously.

My first thought was, "What if she had killed herself?" This resulted in a mental victory dance, followed by a reprimand from the theoretical angel on my shoulder.
My next thought was, "What if there are more stupid people like Sarah? What if this is the culling song of America? What if I mass-produced this image?" Once again, a lecture from the little angel.

But all I could think about was, you know.. why do I hang out such idiots?

I still wonder the same thing.