Just a stranger

Yeah, I thought you were tangible
Turns out I was dreamin'

(a tidbit of a song,
or something.)

My hearts' record for speeding

I hate seeing you sad, but making my heart ache seems to be your favorite thing to do..

Moderation

I'm going out of town next week. Not this Saturday but the next one. I will be visiting my grandparents in their tiny town, and I'm getting the feeling already that I'll just spend the entire visit watching IMF and the Indie Film Channel. Satellite television is a distraction from the world outside my window.

I also have a feeling that I'm going to stay up till around 6:00, waiting for you to call. And you'll call at 6:02, when I finally drift off.

You do it just to spite me.

To Friends

Max,
You can't idealize a big city. I mean, you can, but it's just going to be more of the same, on a large scale. If you want recognition, earn it.. But no matter where your music goes, I'm going to be more than happy to support you in as many ways as you'll let me..

Caroline,
I wish you weren't so insecure sometimes. I love you all the same.

Ben,
The only routine I haven't gotten sick of. There are a lot of things I want to say to you, but not here. Not now. I've found myself wishing on dandelions for you to hate me, because usually the things I wish for turn out opposite.
And though I'm trying very hard to blend seamlessly between your friend and your girlfriend, my smile will always be false.

Joe,
I'm sorry. I missed you.

Caitlyn,
Oddly enough, I don't dislike you nearly as much as I thought I did. You say some ridiculous things, but I feel like getting to know you was a good idea.

Michael,
It's weird to be talking to you again. You haven't changed at all and I've done some kind of insane 360. I'm not sure what it is about you that appeals to me, but I'm pleased we're friends, though I'm equally pleased you don't live here anymore.

Spencer,
It was nice of you to stand outside the teachers bathroom and wait for me to stop dry heaving. It's things like that that I appreciate a lot. You are special and nice and I'm glad we're friends.

That's all I feel like writing for tonight. Some kind of wrap-up for the end of the school year. Not nearly as compelling as Max's.

Ben does his own thing,

and two days later I'm on the bathroom floor with broken glass and a note pad.

Ben cries, and so does the sky.

Alone, but not lonely

I experienced something significant today. I don't think it'll be as striking to anybody else but me. All the same, it happened, and it was interesting to me..

I'd been having a pretty shitty day. You know how that goes. The whole not showering in a couple days and dreading work things definitely factored in. At the end of PE, my friend Seth and I always go upstairs about five, ten minutes early so we can get to our lockers before the giant mass of idiots come billowing out of their respective courses. Anyway, today was just like any other-- his locker's on the second floor so we parted ways, as usual, and I went upstairs. Usually there are about five people wandering around the halls at this time, so I was surprised when I noticed that I was completely alone.

I had my headphones stuck in my ears and I was carrying my Mountain Dew and I was listening to this really great song. It doesn't have words or anything, but it's still a great song. And after a few seconds I closed my eyes and just walked down the hall way. It felt like there was no world outside of what I was listening to and thinking about. I felt so complete, but insignificant, meaningless, at the same time. Somehow it was a good feeling.

And then, just as the bell rang, the chorus swelled, and I stood stationary while the rest of the world pushed past.

p.s. I left out the part about the bitch from my foods class yelling at me. But it didn't mean a thing.

Just a thought

Ben's parents have a shelf full of "how-to" books on love.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but shouldn't love, real love, come naturally, without the guidance of someone with a PhD?

A change

I don't really know how I am feeling. It's hard to differentiate things from one another, I think my emotions are all mixed into one thing right now. They must resemble something along the lines of Superman ice cream when it's all melty and the colors mix together and make a color similar to that of rainbow excrement.

Oh no

oh no, oh, oh no.

oh no. please no.

the woodpecker sighs........

oh no, oh no.. oh.. no..


if only i'd gotten there first

Drive

My infancy is marked by the fact that I can't move around, concealed in a hunk of metal and glass. I'd fly on a carpet of cellophane if I could, to get away from the flaws of standardized testing.

Basically I'm trying to convey that driver's ed is going to suck, and I'm almost sixteen, and Max is almost eighteen, but I don't feel any different and I don't imagine he does either.

Hope infesting my bones

Some day I'll know how it feels to be complete. I am sure of this.

I think.

(Not that I am broken or anything. I just am. And that is all)

Lamb and the Lion

I've been thinking about some stuff lately. I'll try to cover it all in one post but I'll probably get lazy and stop halfway through.

Mostly just about how everything people do is for a reaction. You know, the law of gravity. Not just a reaction, either. Everything they do is for people to perceive them in their chosen way. Subliminal messaging, if you will. Like wearing a pair of socially acceptable shoes, so people will just put you into the category of cool because of the way you dress and who you're with. I can't really explain it into coherent words so it makes sense the way that it does in my head. It's just difficult.

Moving on, the other thing I've been thinking about is how I don't do anything. I complain about my job and all, but what would I be doing if I didn't work? Probably nothing. And if I added up all the hours I spend behind a screen, doing this, removed them, and replaced them with productive things, well.. I'd have a lot of stuff done. What stuff specifically, I do not know, but it would be stuff nonetheless. Maybe I should do homework or something.

I guess that's about all I needed to discuss with myself. Good evening.

Fourth month

of my life.

I am yours, as long as you'll have me

Shit.

Just when everything was perfect...