I think way too much.

I had a lot of insightful things to place here, this evening.
But they fell out of the back of my mind and I am scared that you're only saying you're sick because you don't want to have to spend time with me.
Paranoia is total awareness.
or something,

whatever.

I'm losing my voice. "It's your lips fault," you told me. "If you get sick, I'm still not going to forgive myself," you told me. Blah. I don't know. But I DO know how you hate insincerity, and yet for some reason I have a really, really hard time trusting you. There has to be something you're using me for, because there's absolutely no way you can honestly care for me in the same way I care for you.

And it's highly likely that I am feeling something more peculiar, complicated, what have you, than teenage lust, and it's likely that I'm terrified of even thinking about spending my life without you in it. I could settle for just seeing you every now and then. I guess. But the more I get to know you, the more panicky I am about YOU getting to know ME.

My guard is always up. But I feel like it's kind of slipping. I can't trust you. I don't. I will not. Not for a long, long time. I'm so scared you'll realize what a douche I am....

I hate being lonely because you didn't feel up to spending time together tonight. I wish I could just deal with my insecurities instead of convincing myself that every tiny thing should be analyzed again and again. And again.
If only.

I think, though, that maybe your eyes are broken. And your ears. That every stupid, shitty thing I say is magically translated into something clever, caring, or impressive. That even the smallest physical flaw is decoded into a reflection of how I'd like to look. Maybe you're blind to my scars. Maybe your hands are broken. Maybe when you touch my wrist, you don't feel a pulse lagging. A heart half-beating from misuse. You don't feel my imperfections or my mistakes, maybe every coarse piece of me is somehow rendered smooth at your touch.

Or maybe.. maybe I spend too much time thinking about this.