Last day of January

Valentine's day is coming up

stupid propaganda.

For some reason, though, I'm excited..

Meh.

My god, I'm freezing. I can't wait to think of something substantial to write. I really hope I update with something interesting later.

OH, INSECURITY

I wish.............

that you would call
right now.

Okay.
In a few..

alright..... okay, okay..

okay...

NOW.

now.

do it now.

ring......... please ring.... please please please ring.....



not ringing..

I hate it when

my hair is wavy, because it's so inconsistent. Why should my hair style match my shortcomings?

You're only what I see sometimes

I like Animal Collective alot.

Friday you were talking about how sometimes your impulse is to do these horrible things, like punch someone in the face or throw yourself off of a balcony, and how you hate it so much, and you'd NEVER do any of those things, but still the ideas pop into your head.

I could only nod and say I understood.

But really, that same thing happens to me, but I was afraid you'd think I was lying if I told you. I don't know why. I wish I had told you.

But DON'T get me wrong,

I am still happy and I still care for you just as much, more even

I just get the feeling you don't feel as much as I do

BULLshit.

I hate when you lie about stupid things like sleeping in favor of chatting on the phone.
I hate talking on the phone, but not to you.

Maybe I'm just paranoid....

Mmeehhh.

You can only say 100% happy for a small amount of time, I guess, and I'm still happy, only maybe 95% now. I don't know why. I've just got this funk goin' on today.

Oh, well.
I want to take a nap with you right now, I think that could bump it back up to 100 in a split second.

bone face

"Every day I spend with you is the new best day of my life"


I seem to know exactly what I want to say on this stupid thing. But when I'm talking to you I get tongue tied and make a fool of myself. It's so exhausting.

I'm freezing

But I still sit
And sigh
And think of you

David says I'm in love with you. But wouldn't I know?
Isn't it too soon?

Part of me wants to say that I've loved you since I saw you doing your funny little walk, when I was in the sixth grade and you were in the eighth. And you didn't notice me then. You didn't know I existed until this year.

But the other part of me is RATIONAL. And this part insists that love is more than that stupid feeling I get in my gut when you lie to me about being pretty, or when you kiss me on my forehead (my favorite, which you know, and use against me to make me melt). "Love is speaking in code, it's an inside joke, love is coming home."


Every time I close my eyes, I open them in hopes of seeing yours looking back at me. Like a child on Christmas eve.

It occurred to me today

when we were lying on my bed and I was watching you sleep
that it is quite possible I'm irrevocably falling for you.

Happiness

I hope this never, ever ends

I finally found what I've been looking for.

Mmm. So.

my cat just pissed in my room, probably on the sweater i'm going to wear tomorrow, come to think of it. damn.

i had fun today. and i got a cute note from you. and we spent time together. and it was good. and i love being around you, and holding your hand, and kissing your cheek and i love your smile. and i don't see any way that i could stop feeling this way about you. i'm still just so damned scared you'll realize what a douche bag i am. it's terrifying.

and yet i wonder. what if i was right in my last post....? what if you are my happy ending?? i am too afraid to even hope for this, because then i'd jinx it.

and i really, really don't want that to happen. i mean. i could be content, more than content, with spending my life around you. having you be a part of it. it sounds kind of dumb and cheesy, but... oh. i don't know. i wish i did. my thoughts never seem to be on one plane anymore.

i wish i could sleep. because then i could dream. and there'd be a chance that i'd see you there.

"if I don't, I'm gonna go crazy"

I think the reason that everybody likes fiction better than nonfiction is because of the endings. They never turn out the way you want them to. The problems don't resolve themselves. Nobody changes. Not everything is premeditated and even though you know it's the truth, you still wish it were a lie.

I think, though, I've found my happy ending.

Peach slushie.

"but you're going to have to hold my hand.."

I would have anyway.

I'm so happy I met you.

I cried a lot today. I hate being screamed at, it just makes me lose it. My head hurts, my eyes are swollen, and yet.. today was perfect. I mean, it really was. This mean librarian is quitting, so I wont have to deal with her at work anymore, and I watched part of a really good movie with you. And I had a lot of fun. And I can't wait for tomorrow.
It's been two weeks today. I hope it lasts two weeks more. And another two weeks. And another and another and.. you get the idea.

I don't see what anybody could see in anyone but you.

I really don't. I mean. I think that you are the greatest person I know. And I'm total shit compared to you. But you're so.. you're just.. There is nobody I'd rather be with. I'm scared of losing you. I really, really am. And I care for you so much already. And.. I don't know!!! I just can't comprehend anybody disliking you, or NOT falling in love with you. You're perfect(ly flawed) in my eyes. It's not that you're on a pedestal, or that you do no wrong, it's just that you can manage to be absolutely amazing, flaws and all.
So amazing..

"Temporal throbbings"

you know the rest....

Inhale. Exhale and run your fingers through your hair and smile with your teeth and try so hard to be charming and beautiful. And it doesn't really work. And you know, but still you try.
You, my friend (actually, you only wish), are absolute bullshit. And if you dropped dead right now, I wouldn't care. Because you have contributed NOTHING positive to ANYONE's life-- you make your mother cry, and you also make for a much-needed stress reliever to a lot of different people. But don't you ever feel empty about this, about the fact that nobody truly likes you? I hope some day you realize what a waste of life you are. I really honestly hope that, you spineless little bitch.

--

I'm sorry for that. I just needed to let this out really quickly.

Everything is still happy, but I'm afraid suddenly everything will change, but I can still allow myself to be happy, because of him, and.. Yeah. I just.. I don't know. I'm so thankful. Thankful towards who, I do not know, but I am still thankful. "What is it about you that has commandeered my brain?" I don't know that one either-- but I have a few theories.

I'll catch you all, my FAITHFUL readers (hahahahahahhahahahahhhahahah), later. I have some things I want to do.

Climb the WALLS for OXYGEN

I want to kiss you again

And I want to hug you forever
And ever and ever and ever
I just want to stop on that moment, the moment where we're standing in my driveway, and our arms are around each other and we're shivering but it's so worth it. I want that to last forever.

I wish, and wish, and wish.

I have nothing interesting to write about. Ho, hum.

I want to rant and rant so this blog will be nice and long to make up for the shitty, tiny things I've been posting lately. So far nothing to rant about has come into my head. I could talk more about you, but.. I don't know.

I guess I've just been thinking about how you give me that feeling in my chest. The feeling that I get when I listen to "Capture the Flag." Like there are butterflies inside of me-- but not in my stomach. More in my chest. More like they're going to climb up my throat and out my mouth and fly away. And I just feel like this calm, peaceful person, because you level me out. You get into my head. There is one photograph that reminds me so much of you, it makes me want to cry. I'll include it in this post.


It seems like the days are getting more and more the same, and I loathe routines. I want this shit to be over with. School, I mean. Sitting in Fundamentals of Food with the timid, miniature, blonde teacher and a group of absolutely morons is not what I call a good time. I'm so much more comfortable around you when we're outside of those stupid fucking whitewashed walls. With everyone around us, I feel like I've got to meet some kind of expectation. But with just you.. I'm humble. And complete. And whatever happens, happens, and whatever doesn't, doesn't, but you're with me so nothing really matters as much as it would in the outside world. Why I should care what a bunch of arrogant high schoolers (complete with head-up-ass action!) think of us is beyond me. But for some reason I do.

I'm constantly molded into this piece of shit person, this asshole I don't even like, when I have to spend too much time inside of that prison. I'm loud. And obnoxious. And I just.. I just want to kick my own ass. And it should really stop.

I don't understand

what the most attractive, wonderful, amusing, well-dressed, polite, kind, intelligent, charming boy in the Western Hemisphere, or any hemisphere at that, sees in ME. Me.

Not that I'm complaining.

If you rescue me,

I'll never have to be alone again

I'm so glad you're mine

but what I don't get is,
you could have just about anybody.

Why me..?

fuck was i

I've got this good thing going, and I love what's happening and.. I'm just this big pessimist at heart, and I'm so afraid that it wont last, and I have no basis for this fear, it's completely... irrational and random. But I'm just so scared that it'll end and I just know how sad that would be, regardless of the circumstances, because this thing is just so perfect and wonderful even though it's in the beginning stages, I... I don't know....!

I feel stupid now. If I actually have the courage to click post, it'll be a miracle. I hope that this isn't a really weird way to feel. Because then I would worry even more, haha. And it's not like I have a bad feeling about this thing, because I don't, I have an incredible feeling about it, but I'm just scared because I'm more aware than anyone (obviously, I guess, haha) of my flaws and how major they are and I want them to be looked over or seen through, but I dunno, I guess it's just hard.

I think I am really really insecure.

none shall pass

You surprised me today

I love surprises

And I love..
Kimya Dawson
the Science of Sleep
New hoodies
Hugs from you
Matching tee shirts
Polaroids
Smiley faces

Pointless..? Perhaps.

I like you more and more and more and more every single minute.

I am just a speck of dust inside a giant's eye.

I am sitting next to you thinking, SHUT UP BEN KWELLER, I WANT TO HEAR HIM SING.

And that is when I realize that I am totally crazy for you and it's pathetic. And I embarrass myself in front of you constantly but.. Oh, I don't care.

You are mine and I am happy. And I hope some day you can be crazy about me, too.

I'm not going to lie,

I am sitting here in my bra and underwear

With my hair in a towel

Wondering if you're thinking about me, too

I hope you are

God, I hope you are...

I bought a bunch of new CDs today, it just figures that now would be the time for my computer to not recognize any discs.

I am still upbeat. Even though I have a week of school ahead of me. Even though I didn't see you today. I will see you tomorrow.

hair cut, new jeans, new attitude

my giddiness about everything going on in my life wont last, but i'm going to enjoy it while it does. and hearing that i make you happy, well, that just makes me happier. i want to spend all day. all weekend. every weekday. a month a year a lifetime. i just like being around you more than i like being around anybody else.

EUPHORIA

I am happier than I have ever been

I like you so much

I do
I do

I'm so all about you

And I'm never going to stop smiling about this (:

You are mine. <3

nothing to say except

days without you are total bores

I can't wait to see your smiling face again

Phantom Limb

oh,
you are
the roots
that sleep
beneath my feet
and hold
the earth
in
place.

If only I didn't have to use someone else's words.

I wish I were aesthetically pleasing enough to measure up to you. Good lord, I just.. You're just... EVERYTHING I ever possibly could have imagined in someone I could want. You're more than that. You're real. You're breathing.

"Like if you cut open a rag doll with a silly name, and found inside: Real intestines, real lungs, a beating heart and blood. A lot of hot, sticky blood." A fantasy made real.
A dream forged with reality. But in a makeshift way. In a way that makes it so you're never really sure if it's a dream, or if it is really happening..

Last night I was so tired of wishing for you.
I just want your hand curled in mine. I don't want to have to wait, even though I know it's what is best. For you. For both of us.

I'm just so.. I'm just so exhausted. I feel like a stranger when I'm away from you. I feel like.. I feel like a day not spent breathing in the sun beside you is a day put to waste. Sometimes when I'm listening to you speak I feel like.. like maybe the human race isn't so bad. Like maybe we have a chance. If there were more people like you.
If I could be more like you.

And all the words to all the songs that remind me of your smile are popping into my head, but I want to express this by myself for once. I want to .. I want to realize what it is, what it is exactly that I'm feeling, and I want to tell you. But I know I could never do that. I'm so terrified of rejection. You know that old sports quote? The one about the fear of striking out? Well, it's bullshit, because telling a person how you feel has a lot higher stakes than hitting a fucking ball with a piece of wood.

I don't see how anyone could want to hurt you. How a girl could do what she did to you. How anyone could not.. care for you. Like I do. I just think.. I just think.. I mean. I know you're not perfect. Of course not. I'm not that stupid.. I just.. I just think sometimes that maybe you could feel the same way about me.

(Fucking optimism.)

God damn the black night

Stupid Cinderella bullshit. 12:30 my ass.

If I don't get to spend tomorrow with you, then I don't know what... the breakfast club, and Barack and Bright Eyes. Oh, there's no way I can miss out....

I'm scared
because what if this isn't one of those silly crushes I get when I start hanging out with new people? What if this is something different?

All I know is,
it's so hard to concentrate on Stephane and Stephanie when I can smell your cologne and I can hear you breathe and I can feel your leg brushing mine.

I hope I don't come on too strong. I hope I can eventually stop worrying.

No new years kiss, but your presence is intoxicating enough.